From James Alison’s Faith Beyond Resentment:
The whole of my previous life had been marked by an absolute refusal to die. The absolute refusal to take on my baptismal commitment. Of course, because I was unable to imagine that my ‘self’, the ‘I’ who will live for ever, is hidden with Christ in God. And that was why I had to fight all those battles. The ‘I’ who was present in all those battles was the old Adam, or Cain, a ‘self’ incapable of understanding that it is not necessary to seek to shore up for itself a place on this earth, to found a safe space, to protect itself violently against violence. (pp. 40-41)
Alison is reflecting specifically on his experience as a gay man and how he fought to find a place of acceptance within the institutional church. This struggle, however, created in him a zeal that “was of a prodigiously violent force, powered by a deep resentment”:
In my violent zeal I was fighting so that the ecclesiastical structure might speak to me a ‘Yes’, a ‘Flourish, son’, precisely because I feared that, should I stand alone before God, God himself would be part of the ‘do not be’. Thus I was absolutely dependent on the same mechanism against which I was fighting. (p. 39)
It was only, Alison says, when he began to see that God’s love was not to be identified with ecclesiastical violence that he could start to “die” to his resentment – to the old Adam – and move toward forgiveness and love. A dead man has nothing to fear since “the moment he dies, he’s completely free of that whole game of power and victimisation of which he was a part, no longer is he struggling with those powers: he doesn’t have to, for they have no dominion over him, they no longer affect him in any way at all” (p. 43).
I find this very profound and an excellent precis of the gospel – the notion that being inescapably loved by God frees us to die to ourselves and to love without fear. I’ve become increasingly convinced that being set free from fear is a crucially important part of the Christian message.
It’s also an insight that I see at the heart of the Lutheran-evangelical re-casting of the gospel message: because we are loved by God in a way that is absolutely unconditional upon what we do, we can learn to love without fear. If God sustains our being and bestows our worth, then we don’t need to struggle agonistically in this world to secure those things.
How far short we fall of this understanding is obvious in our personal, ecclesiastical, and political lives, it seems to me. After all, how much of what we do, of the violence we inflict on others, is rooted in fear for our own selves, their existence and their value? And how much of our politics – both “sacred” and “secular” – are driven by a fear and resentment of some “other”?
This is why I think that – as Luther would have it – we need to “drown” the old Adam daily through repentance, through remembrance of our baptism, and through meditation on God’s promises. Church leaders sometimes seem to want to move “beyond” the preaching of the gospel; they think that once we’ve “gotten” forgiveness we can move on to “discipleship” and morality – the really important stuff. But I think this misses the tight connectino between our discipleship and the unconditional love of God in which it’s rooted. If the Christian diagnosis of the human condition is correct, only when we know that our lives are securely “hid with Christ” can we begin to love without fear. And really learning that truth – in the sense of truly internalizing it – requires constant reminders.